Holding the Man
I was two months short of turning 17 when I read ‘Holding the Man’ back in the winter of 1995. In some ways, ‘Holding the Man’ would prove to have a far more reaching impact in my outlook on life than I ever wanted to admit – until yesterday.Close friends would know that I used to candidly joke and openly admit that I couldn’t envisage life beyond age 35 and that I wouldn’t have any grudges if God was willing to take me home by then. People used to ask me, “Why 35?” and I could never quite pinpoint the reason.
Morbid as it may have sounded, death at a young age to me was actually a beacon of light, since it meant the beginning of eternal life and the cessation of the lingering pain that I never seem to be able to shake off. We are all cursed creatures because of sin – except some of us feel the effects of brokenness more acutely than others. I was secure in God the Father’s love for me and the hope of resurrection and eternal life and so I had no fear of death.
I caught a bus up to Sydney on Friday to see the theatrical adaptation of ‘Holding the Man’ at the Sydney Opera House. I saw the play yesterday with a Canadian friend of mine who was in Sydney for a conference on microbicides, particularly in the area of HIV/AIDS. As I sat inside the Playhouse theatre waiting for the first act to commence, it came back to me – why 35.
Set in Melbourne and Sydney, ‘Holding the Man’ is a brutally honest yet funny autobiographical account by Tim Conigrave of his 15-year relationship with a fellow Xavier College schoolmate – John Caleo – a relationship that weathered disapproval, separation, temptation, unfaithfulness and, ultimately, an untimely death from AIDS for both men. John died in 1992 at Fairfield Hospital while Conigrave died a month before his 35th birthday in 1994, shortly after completing the book – believed by some to be a posthumous gift to John partly as his way of saying sorry and also to say thank you.
In adapting the book into a theatrical production, the playwright and director wanted to explore the question of why we hurt the people we love most and how to answer that question. Tim hurt John many times during their 15 years together through his infidelity and John absorbed that pain. I couldn’t but help think of another great spiritual parallel in my own life – that of my own unfaithfulness to God, of hurting Him so many times and His ability to continually absorb that pain and still love me unconditionally in spite of it all.
In adapting the book into a theatrical production, the playwright and director wanted to explore the question of why we hurt the people we love most and how to answer that question. Tim hurt John many times during their 15 years together through his infidelity and John absorbed that pain. I couldn’t but help think of another great spiritual parallel in my own life – that of my own unfaithfulness to God, of hurting Him so many times and His ability to continually absorb that pain and still love me unconditionally in spite of it all.
I became aware of my sexual preferences in the early to mid 1990s, and I caught the tail end of the whole AIDS awareness campaign and the AIDS epidemic of the 1980s. Around that time, there was also a proliferation in the number of films and books dealing with HIV/AIDS that were being released or published. Most notably was Norman Rene’s 1990 Longtime Companion, one of the first major films to deal with AIDS. I still remember secretly taping it on VHS video one night and hoping that no-one at home would turn on the TV and find out what I’d been recording. And then following that a few years later, of course, was Jonathan Demme’s 1993 Philadelphia.
Scenes from Longtime Companion
It was a depressing period growing up for me – while my peers got into their football and soccer and planning their future, I wondered at age 16 whether I too would end up dying of AIDS one day. When I finished reading 'Holding the Man' 12 years ago, the fact that he died only one month short of his 35th birthday impacted me profoundly.
After Caleo died, Conigrave had a dream or vision in which an angel asked him what he had learned from John. Tim answered, “The value of unconditional love.” In the book’s concluding paragraph, Conigrave wrote, “I guess the hardest thing is having so much love for you and it somehow not being returned. I develop crushes all the time but that is just misdirected need for you. You are a hole in my life, a black hole. Anything I place there cannot be returned. I miss you terribly. Ci vedremo lassu, angelo.” The last scene of Caleo dying was intensely moving and it's a story that will speak across generations, sexual preference and culture.
As I sat on the Greyhound bus back to Canberra last night, with the stars shining out there in the black sky, I was silently grateful for having God in my life. Someone once told me, “At the end of the day no matter what happens, we still have Christ.” The only question I find myself asking now is “But is that enough?”
Still, regardless of what happens, I know His unconditional love for me will never cease. I would want to take care not to hurt Him too much - feeble as my attempts will be. And I get a glimpse of God saying to me almost exactly what Conigrave wrote about Caleo, “I guess the hardest thing is having so much love for you and it somehow not being returned.”
I highly recommend 'Holding the Man', be it the book or stageplay. It is anticipated that the play will be staged in San Francisco in September 2007, Auckland in February 2008 and possibly (fingers crossed) other mainland Australian cities in 2008.
Sydney Opera House presents a Griffin Theatre Company Production: 9 - 26 May 2007
posted by Andrew King at 4:31 pm
