Love is in the Air
In just the last 24 hours alone, four people I know have gotten engaged. With three of them, I was told of the news separately but consecutively within the space of about 30 minutes – literally! My head was spinning. I actually seriously doubted the third person – poor bugger – thinking it was some kind of a joke, but he eventually convinced me that he wasn’t pulling my leg. People say that things often come in threes and in this case, that certainly was the case.And this is not including another distant friend’s announcement of his engagement two weekends ago or a work colleague’s engagement dinner party which I’ve been invited to this weekend or the wedding of a good friend down in Melbourne early next month. Should I even bother mentioning another friend from my teenage years who’s tying the knot in mid March or my cousin’s wedding in late March? That’s altogether nine couples – eight straight, one gay – who have gotten engaged or who will be tying the knot and we’re barely into the second month of 2008! Looks like Cupid certainly has been busy in the lead up to Valentine’s Day. And looks like it will be an expensive year for me ahead!
As I ponder about the beauty and joy of relationships, I cannot but feel happiness for these friends of mine – some more so than others, especially those with whom I have witnessed significant personal growth in their lives because of the relationship. Companionship and love are good gifts from God and they are to be celebrated.
But this is also where I stop and remember my fellow pilgrims and sojourners who are single, be that by choice or circumstance. My heart goes out especially to those who have chosen to remain single, but who find themselves struggling with that choice. Those who struggle with carrying a cross in which they perhaps feel they did not willingly choose to carry in the first place.
This made me ponder and reflect on my own life. Often, when people probe about why I’m not looking for a relationship, I tell them that I’m content with life as it is – being single. Admittedly, while circumstance may have forced my hand somewhat, ultimately, it is also a choice I have willingly made. But am I really content or am I just settling for what I feel is the only default option available to me?
I was recently reminded again that contentment is not about self-sufficiency but rather Christ sufficiency. That contentment is not about resignation and acceptance of the status quo but satisfaction with what one has chosen. It is not the surrender of ambition but rather the submission to Christ and to His purposes. Godly contentment therefore isn’t a case of becoming complacent, passive or a stoic detachment from life.
Being reminded about what contentment is all about - in the face of seeing friends pairing up and seeing the joys and blessings of companionship, made me reflect again. And I wondered - how much of what I say about my being single and being content is really true, and how much of it is mere well-rehearsed rhetoric? How much of my ‘contentment’ can truly be attributed to Christ sufficiency and not just a case of resignation or a passive acceptance of the status quo in my life? Or indeed, a surrender of ambition, of hope on my part? This is important – because I realised that merely resigning myself to the status quo will breed discontentment. It will be like a wound that becomes infected. It is also self-delusional. If I choose singleness, it must be because I have freely chosen, freely given up, freely renounced (marriage) – and not because of forced resignation or under duress.
The late Walter Trobisch wisely wrote, “The art of giving up, of renouncing, is also the secret of happiness in a single person’s life. To give up one’s self is as important for a single person as it is for one who is married. Those who learn this art will never be lonesome, even if they are single. Those who don’t will always be lonesome, even though they are married (or partnered).”
Indeed, as followers of Christ, our primary loyalties in life shift as soon as we come into personal contact with Jesus. Jesus insists that his followers live sacrificial lives that will make little sense in the eyes of the world. “Anyone does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 10:38-39).
Al Hsu in The Single Issue, writes about “a time of reckoning” in our lives. He says, “To take up one’s cross is to be sentenced to death. But this is something that all singles must eventually grapple with, and come to a time of reckoning. Almost everybody grows up expecting to marry. We live with the expectation of marriage. Because we plan on having a mate, to not have one implies a sense of loss and incompleteness, and perhaps may lead to feelings of loneliness and failure. But as adulthood continues, we encounter a transition time when we discover that our dreams may have been unrealistic. It is not wrong to hope for a relationship or a marriage. But it is definitely not healthy to build our lives around events that are uncertain. Instead, individuals, especially Christians, must learn both to prepare for the future and to live fully in the present. We must face the fact that marriage may not be a possibility. It is only then when I come to this point that I completely hand over my life to God – all my dreams, hopes and desires for a partner, and tell him that my first priority will be to find my identity in Christ and in him alone. And this reckoning is a kairos moment – a significant moment in time in which I acknowledge that I am called to live my life fully for Christ regardless of my marital or relationship (italics mine) status.”Richard Foster calls this kind of ‘reckoning’ – this living sacrifice experience – ‘relinquishment’. And that the way of relinquishment is the movement from “my will be done” to “not my will, but yours (that is, Christ)”. This process involves struggle, because it is difficult to give up those desires and dreams that are so dear to us. But this is just the process. Foster says, “Struggle is important because the prayer of relinquishment is Christian prayer and not fatalism. We do not resign ourselves to fate. We are not locked into a pre-set, determinist future. Ours is an open, not a closed universe. We are co-labourers with God, as the apostle Paul put it – working with God to determine the outcome of events. Therefore our prayer efforts are a genuine give and take, a true dialogue with God – and a true struggle.”
But reckoning and relinquishment do not mean that we lose all that we have ever hoped for in life. Foster reminds us, “We are dealing with crucifixion of the will, not the obliteration of the will. Crucifixion always has resurrection tied to it.” Death is a central theme in Christian theology only because it prepares the way for the glory of the resurrection. God allows us to continue living after the reckoning point because people who are fully committed to him can be the most productive for the cause of Christ. But relinquishment and contentment is not a state at which we arrive suddenly over night, or once and for all. It is a slow pilgrimage, and there are many stumblings and bruisings along the way. And such a reckoning isn’t just only for singles but every person.As Valentine’s Day approaches, I am reminded again that I am still continuously learning how to cultivate relinquishment and contentment. It has not always been easy. But it has gotten easier over time. May I share the Prayer of Therese with you. Click here.
posted by Andrew King at 12:17 am
